There
are some men who make women feel very lovable
and desirable. They lavish love and gifts on
them, and make them feel very special. But when
it comes to marriage, they back out. They have a
great fear of getting tied to a single woman for
life. They run away from the very idea of
marriage. Their relationships never have
fairytale endings; instead they are littered
with heartbreaks.
These men suffer from commitment phobia, a fear
of committing themselves to one single woman.
However, they don't hesitate to play the loving
game. They go out of their way to make their
women feel special. They woo them with all the
passion that they can command. But they cool off
once the woman talks of marriage.
How to spot a commitment phobe
For any woman it is important to spot commitment
phobes - that is men who suffer from commitment
phobia - early in the relationship. This is the
only way they can keep their feet firmly on the
ground, and not get swept away by the charm
offensive launched by such men.
Fortunately, the commitment phobes are very
predictable and display several common traits.
These are:
1. They have been involved in several
relationships in the past, but all of them have
been brief.
The reason, they will charmingly tell you, is
that they are yet to come across a woman of
their dreams, someone with whom they can have a
lifelong relationship. You are that woman, they
will tell you. It is for you to spot the lie or
swallow it hook, line and sinker.
2. They would show much more interest in
you that you do in them.
They will follow you, beseech you, please you,
woo you - try every trick in the trade to win
you over.
They will even drop hints of long and stable
relationships; they will talk of "we" and "us"
not "I" and "me".
3. They will make you feel very special.
They will shower you with love and affection.
They will make you feel their world will come to
an end if you spurn them or misunderstand them.
You will find it impossible to resist them,
unless you realize what is happening.
However, this ardent wooing will be limited to
the first phase of the relationship. The
relationship will take a different turn the
moment you surrender It is not that such men
treat women as trophies to be won, and then
displayed in their personal museums; but they
are driven by contradictory feelings. They
neither want to give up a woman nor want to
commit themselves to her. It is a psychological
disorder. But it can have serious effects both
on the relationship, and on you.
You will not realize what has happened to your
relationship. The same man, who could not live
without you for a moment, will start looking for
excuses to stay away from you. You will no
longer be the shining light of their lives. The
talk of matrimony will freeze them. Your tears
may make them unhappy but it will not move them.
It wouldn't be long before you are left only
with memories and tears; the commitment phobe
would have moved forward to another woman.
Why do they behave like this
You need not search for reasons for the souring
of the relationship. You should also not blame
yourself for what has happened. You must realize
that commitment phobia is an emotional disorder,
and you have become a victim of a person
suffering from such a disorder.
According to psychologists, the commitment
phobes behave like this because they suffer from
certain beliefs about relationships. This may
happen because:
1. As a sensitive child, a commitment
phobe's world was torn by a bitter divorce
between his parents.
He grew up with a feeling that there can be no
permanent relationship between a man and a
woman. Such a relationship can only bring pain
in the long run.
2. Some commitment phobes cannot
reconcile to the death of their father or mother
or forget the sadness and grief that overcame
their parents when one of them died.
They therefore grow up with the feeling of not
to enter into permanent relationships -
relationships that can bring pain on account of
the death of a loved one.
3. Some commitment phobes may have been
betrayed by those whom they loved.
This would have created a mindset of never to
give in to a woman again.
How to deal with a commitment phobe
You must realize that you have very few chances
of winning a commitment phobe. You must
therefore play hard to get. You must refuse to
get into bed with him for very often this
signals the end of a relationship. Let him feel
desperate; let him step up his wooing. But don't
give in.
It is important that you continue to live your
own life. You should not allow a commitment
phobe to set the pace of your life. You should
continue dating other men and act as an
independent woman who can live her life on her
own. Never make the mistake of playing second
fiddle to such men or switching to
what-a-wife-would-do mode.
You should not drum excuses for his behavior, or
try to convince yourself that he is right and
you are wrong. In your mind, you should not
become his advocate. You must look at his
actions, not his words. Words are easy; they can
be lavished with freedom. But it is hard to
match them with action.
If possible, you should convince him to see a
psychologist. There is always a chance that a
psychologist may be able to remove the fears
that a commitment phobe has about marital
relationships. But this cannot happen in an
instant. You have to be patient, aand you have
to see how the commitment phobe takes your
suggestion or the counseling.
Finally, don't grieve if your relationship
breaks down. Take it in your stride. Treat it as
a fun fling that was bound to end this way.
Short note about the author
Cucan Pemo
