What
is the most infamous male stereotype when it comes
to dating? Certainly the one about men trying every
trick in the book to get a woman to sleep with him
has to head the list. No need to elaborate. There
are plenty of web sites that I can refer all y - all
to (regardless of gender) if you want to see how
that works. As we touched upon in the last
newsletter, there are plenty of "pick-up artists"
specializing in helping men tune up their trickery.
The truth is, however, that men don't necessarily
have the market cornered when it comes to keeping
their intentions under the table. Women are quite
capable of their fair share. My belief is that the
most common brand of dating trickery proffered by
women tends to fly under the radar a bit easier,
however, and therefore is hardly ever (if at all)
called out. Since women are a bit more subtle about
all of this, I'm going to focus the majority of this
newsletter on understanding their side of the
equation. After all, male trickery is altogether too
obvious - which continues to cause me sheer
amazement at how often women fall for it.
So what about the women? What do I mean?
Here it is. Just like men try to trick women into
sleeping with them way too early in the
relationship, women tend to try to trick men into
exclusive commitment way to early.
It's absolutely true.
And a woman has the ability to equip herself with a
formidable set of tools when it comes to this stuff.
Just like a woman can find herself in a man's bed
and wonder how she got there, a man can very easily
find himself in an exclusive relationship he may not
have been ready for, and with a woman who may not
even have been his first choice!
How does she do this? Here are some examples of the
tactics involved:
1) The Ultimatum
This is the most objective approach. If a woman
knows the man is interested, she will simply level
an ultimatum. This may happen as soon as the woman
realizes the man wants her sexually. In this case,
the woman pulls every option off the table other
than committing to her or walking away. This is
unfair, of course, because it plays on a man's
physical attraction in order to drive emotional
involvement.
2) Extended Planning
She'll buy tickets for a concert that's a month
away. She'll invite him to join her for some killer
party that's a few weeks (or months?) off. If she
can get him to make some financial "buy in" (e.g.
ticket price, renting a tux, etc.) then he'll be
more likely to stay around. In fact, the concept of
commitment based on financial involvement is a
well-known marketing principle. Here, as in so many
facets of dating, sales tactics translate directly
into relationship strategy. Watch for a future
newsletter (or how about a podcast?) on that one.
3) Common Secondary Commitments
This is something like "Extended Planning", but with
a subtle difference. Here we are talking about
ongoing partnerships rather than one-time events.
She may sign them both up for six weeks of salsa
lessons. They may join a dinner party group with
other couples knowing that it would be a major
embarrassment to have to sever ties in the event of
a breakup. If she's really astute, she'll buy them
season tickets for his favorite team - nice.
4) Marking Territory
As soon as a man invites a woman into his private
domain, he opens himself up to the female ritual of
"territory marking". If she's hanging out at his
house and riding in his car, bear in mind the
possibility that she may be interested in staking
her claim to those places vis-a-vis other women in
his life. Most of us know about the "perfume on the
pillow" trick, where a woman sprays her perfume on a
guy's pillow so he can "think of her" when he's
sleeping. But that's just one of a myriad of ways
that a woman can make it improbable, if not
impossible, that another woman would feel
comfortable in his home or car.
She can leave a change of clothes on his dresser,
just in case. She can change shoes in his car and
"accidentally" leave them behind the passenger's
seat in the back. She can smear makeup in places he
may not notice but another woman would be sure to.
She can brush her hair in the bathroom, all but
making sure strands of her hair land in places where
other women might notice it. And my all time
favorite - she might "forget" and leave her earrings
on the end table in the living room (or some other
place you'll never see until the next time guests
are over).
Whatever happens, you can be sure if it's done right
most guys will be potentially horrified to invite
other women over (although they shouldn't be, which
is the topic of some other future newsletter).
5) Key Introductions
He is introduced to all of her friends. He may even
meet her parents, feeling like he's suffered
whiplash given how sudden it was. She may even, if
she's mastered the tactic, proactively seek to make
friends with his friends. This is a particularly
powerful approach that, if successful, means she has
all but inextricably woven herself into his life.
And if he ever tries to break up with her, imagine
the effect of his own friends calling him to tell
him how wrong he is. Out of hand.
6) Gifts
She may buy a guy something nice. Depending upon the
limits of her personal resources, we may be talking
about something really nice. Guys famously tend to
use this tactic on women, thinking that they can buy
their way into a woman's heart. Well, when a guy
does something like this it generally backfires.
Some women are creeped out by it, some women refuse
nice gifts seeing potential ulterior motives behind
them, and others simply take the gifts and offer
only a "thank you" in return.
The interesting part, however, is that a woman who
knows how men think with regard to this process can
capitalize upon it to drive commitment from a man.
Think about it'a man attempts to barrage a woman
with gifts because he thinks it will help earn her
affections. Why does he think like this? Simple.
Because it would work on him. If a woman realizes
this, she knows she has an angle with which she can
get him to commit.
The problem is that although gift-giving works on a
man, it's not for the expected reason. Rather than
driving a warm-fuzzy nesting reflex, it just
flat-out makes him feel guilty if he dumps her after
getting such cool stuff from her.
So what's the common thread here? Not surprisingly,
the end result is likely to be the same for
tricksters of both the male and female persuasion.
In either case, if the end goal is reached it's
nothing more than an empty, Pyrrhic victory.
The moral to this story? Save the tricks, be
up-front, take things at a mutually-acceptable pace
- and have a symmetrical relationship based on depth
rather than guilt or pressure.
Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications
