Anne
and I know a shy guy - her brother. He isn't the
best-looking rooster in the barnyard, but he always
seems to have lots of chicks pecking around him.
What's the attraction? The mystery, I think. He
doesn't say much so women fill in the blanks. Also I
think it's refreshing; a relief from the
knuckle-dragging Neanderthals out there. They like
the challenge of getting him to open up. And, yes,
they even ask him out, but he's the three-date
strikeout king.
Being shy can work for you at first, but it won't
get you what you want in the long run. Women want a
man to be confident and assertive. Then they can be
a woman! If you don't step up to the plate, you'll
bring out the "mother" in them and be relegated to
the "friends" category. You'll have lots of female
companionship, but no romance.
So keep in mind a little boy you've seen
recently, and avoid doing the things that little
boys do with their moms - they ask permission, they
worry about pleasing her, they never take
initiative, they aren't spontaneous, they don't know
what they want, and they expect to be taken care of.
You don't need any of that, so make sure you
aren't giving the wrong impression.
Dating is frustrating to everyone. I coach men
and women both, around emotional intelligence,
dating and relationships, and I hear the same thing
from both sexes. It's frustration, rejection,
confusion, and mystery until it works out, and it
will. No one knows what's going on, so just hang in
there. Men that have a lot of bravado are just
covering it up. No one likes to strike out, but
everyone does. If you don't step up to the plate and
take a swing, you can't get a home run. It's as
simple as that. It gets easier with time, your odds
improve as you practice, and the reward is
definitely worth it. Eventually you'll see a ball
coming over the plate you know is a home run, and
you can hit it out of the park.
Here are some tips:
1. Monitor your self-talk.
Keep it positive and affirming. Talk to yourself
the way you'd talk to a buddy you wanted to
encourage.
2. Monitor the self-talk of other guys.
If it's one thing guys lie about, it's their
prowess with women. Every man's in there taking his
knocks just like you are.
3. Your emotions don't have to stop you
in your tracks.
You can be nervous and keep going. You can be
worried about rejection and still take a risk. This
is like a workout, building character muscle, aka
tolerance for frustration.
4. Start from the inside out.
What are you shy about? Make a list of all you
have to offer and believe it. If there's something
you need to work on, get some coaching and take care
of it. Otherwise, take pride in who you are and stay
centered. Not all the women will like you, but you
need all the women. You just need HER.
5. Practice where it's safe.
Being outgoing is something you can try with the
person next to you in the grocery line. Talk to
strangers. Watch outgoing people and see what
specific behaviors they do - the eye contact, the
tone of voice, the posture, the
conversation-starters. It isn't a mystery, it's a
set of skills, like a tennis serve.
6. If she asks you out first, that's
fine, but you must take charge or you're going to be
moved into the "just friends" category.
Take over and be spontaneous. Don't ask her what
she wants to do or where she wants to go. Plan
something any woman would enjoy and expect her to go
along. Use your gut feelings.
7. Don't try and please her all the time.
This gets annoying with time. Just be you and go!
Any healthy woman will squawk if she doesn't like
something. Otherwise, assume all is well and carry
on.
8. Have an opinion and express it.
9. Talk as well as listen.
There's nothing more attractive than someone who
gives us their undivided attention, but take your
share of it, otherwise she'll see you as a doormat
and lose interest. Set your ipod alarm if need be -
it's time for you to talk!
10. Kiss her when you feel like it.
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
She'll let you know when she's ready. Go with your
gut.
11. Nobody gets to be on a pedestal.
Whether you're worshiping at her feet, or your
own, get down to earth. You're two real people, not
actors in a movie. You're not there to judge each
other's "date" performance, you're there to enjoy
one another and have a good time. Know your
stance/alignment and stance/takeoff so you're
positioned right, and you can't lose. No matter what
happens with her, you will have had a good time, and
that's how you build confidence.
12. Practice.
The only way you can get a hole-in-one is to take
that bucket of balls out to the shooting range and
hit balls for two hours.
Shyness is a combination of innate personality,
and insecurity. Your personality's great. Insecurity
isn't. You get confidence by training, so get a
coach. It's not just for sports any more. They'll
put you through the drill and pretty soon you'll be
scoring like a star quarterback. Only where it
really counts.
