Dear
Becca:
I have been friends with this girl for about
three years. We have become very close over that
time. We hang out a lot, we have gotten physical
in the past (no sex), but always kept it loose.
We even 'sleep together' on occasion.
Here is my problem. I have fallen in love with
her. She knows about it, and is not completely
opposed to the idea of us dating. However, she
doesn't want to lose me as a friend if we were
to break up. She has in the past been in
situations like ours and has lost good friends
because of it. I really want to see what could
happen with this relationship. I just have no
idea what I should do, because in my heart I
know I can't go back. Any ideas?
Sincerely, 'Confused'
Dear Confused:
I have been trying to determine how old you are.
You appear to have a good command of grammar.
Given the clues in your letter, I am guessing
that you are not a young teenager. My advice for
someone who is thirteen years of age is
different than it would be for an adult.
As human beings, we are very adaptable and can
fall in love with more than one personality
type. However, puppy love crushes aside, we
usually know deep down when we are absolutely
devoted to another person.
So, I have to ask you: are you really and truly,
body and soul, in love with this girl? She
appears to have some kind of affection for you
at this point. That could change; but after
three years, if love were to flower, there
should be at least a blossom sprouting at this
point.
Have you lavished gifts on her? Is she stringing
you along because she doesn't want the gravy
train to stop? Be honest.
How many good friends has she lost in the past?
A couple of similar situations may be isolated
instances. However, three or more unsuccessful
affairs may be evidence of a trend. This girl
may be shallow and incapable of a loving
relationship right now. Or she may really have
been hurt by someone in the past.
You need to sit down with her and discuss her
past relationships in depth. Don't let love
blind you. Before your discussion, write down or
type out some questions. Try to anticipate what
she might say and think of more questions - sort
of like a computer flowchart. Spend some time
with what you have written and try to commit it
to memory (not word for word - just the general
gist of everything).
The very act of flowcharting may give you some
direction and open your mind to possibilities
you hadn't previously considered.
If you and the girl cannot come to a meeting of
the minds after your heart-to-heart discussion,
it might be wise to seek out professional help.
The rest of your life may be at stake here. Use
your head - and not the little one - in a mature
way.
All the best!
Becca
All advice given by Becca is for entertainment
purposes only. Please seek professional help for
serious problems.
