Youth
You have the most marvelous youth, and youth
is the one thing worth having.…Someday when you
are old and wrinkled and ugly, when thought has
seared your forehead with its lines and passion
branded your lips with its hideous fires, you
will feel it. You will feel it terribly. Now,
wherever you go you charm the world. Will it
always be so? You have a wonderfully beautiful
face, Mr. Gray.…And beauty is a form of
genius-is higher, indeed, than genius, as it
needs no explanation. It is one of the great
facts of the world, like sunlight or springtime
or the reflection in dark waters of that silver
shell we call the Moon. It cannot be questioned.
It has its divine right of sovereignty. It makes
princes of those who have it. You smile-ah, when
you have lost it you won't smile. People say
sometimes that beauty is only superficial. That
may be so, but at least it is not so superficial
as thought is. To me, beauty is the wonder of
wonders. It is only shallow people who do not
judge by appearances. The true mystery of the
world is the visible, not the invisible.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian
Gray (1890)
Women with high reproductive value
attract men. 19-year-old women are likely to produce
the greatest number of children—twice as many as
30-year-old women.
Teenage boys, on average, prefer girls a year
older. Men in their middle twenties usually prefer
women a year or two younger. Thirtysomething men
prefer women 5 to 10 years younger. Many men in
their 40s and 50s prefer women 10 to 20 years
younger.
Women of all ages up to about 45 prefer, on
average, a man a few years older.[1]
These statistical findings are mostly medians,
however, and not necessarily the mode. In reality,
age preferences vary widely from individual to
individual, and sometimes from one stage of life to
the next.
Neoteny
Neoteny is the retention of juvenile
characteristics into adulthood.
In other primates, e.g., chimpanzees and
gorillas, both male and female adults have tough
skin, coarse body hair, Adam's apples, and deep
voices. Humans, however, have characteristics of
neoteny. Some of them appear in men, but most appear
in women.
Adult women, for example, usually have higher
voices like children.[2]
Men and women agree that attractive women have the
large eyes and lips and small noses and chins of
children. Attractive women's faces have the
proportions of 11-to-14-year-old children.[3]
Women further neoteny by using cosmetics, shaving
their legs, and wearing children's clothing, e.g.,
Mary Jane shoes.
However, attraction of men toward pre-pubescent
girls has no reproductive value. Mature women have
features that distinguish them from pre-pubescent
girls, yet are different from men. These secondary
sexual characteristics include prominent breasts,
clearly defined waists, and full hips. They reflect
sexual maturity and fertility, offsetting the
pre-pubescence that neotenous chracteristics could
otherwise suggest.
Children's long dependency on their fathers is
associated with neoteny. Fatherless children—a
million years ago or today—were less likely to learn
adult skills, inherit social status, and reproduce.
Women who appeared young and remained strong were
able to keep a man for twenty years, instead of
losing him to a younger woman. A young-looking widow
could find a second husband, whereas an
older-looking counterpart of the same chronological
age might not.[4] Some
statistical extrapolations suggest that someone is
more likely to stay with one partner, the longer the
partner continues to appear young. A hypothesis has
been given to suggest that children with mothers who
retain youthful characteristics were more likely to
have both parents throughout their childhood, and
grow up to reproduce and have descendants. Parents
with neotenous characteristics would pass them on to
their offspring. E.g., a mother who has certain
features that cause her to look younger than other
women her age is likely to have daughters having
that appearance as well.
Beauty
Beauty standards are universal across cultures.
People around the world have 91-94% agreement about
the facial attractiveness of Asian, Hispanic, black,
and white women. Even native people unexposed to
mass media agree with the rest of the world.
Infants gaze longer and show more pleasure when
looking at pictures of attractive male and female
faces. One-year-olds play longer with facially
attractive dolls than with unattractive dolls.[5]
Beauty standards are cues to a woman's health:
clear, smooth skin; full, lustrous hair; full lips;
bright eyes; and symmetrical features.
Composite faces, made by combining many
photographs on a computer, are more attractive than
any individual face. Beauty is "average" looks, not
unusual or "striking" features.
Men, in general, don't judge women as being fat
or thin. Rather, men tend to consider women with a
70% waist-to-hip ratio to be beautiful. E.g., a
woman with a 21-inch waist and 30-inch hips, a woman
with a 24-inch waist and 35-inch hips, and a woman
with a 28-inch waist and 40-inch hips are equally
attractive.[6] The 70%
or higher waist-to-hip ratio, and the Golden ratio
(62% waist-height-to-total-height ratio) indicate
health and fertility.
Cultural Beauty Standards
Some beauty preferences vary between cultures,
e.g., light or dark skin.
When a society experiences rapid change, it
values youth and new, iconoclastic ideas. The 1920s
and 1960s preferred thin, flat-chested, youthful
women.
Conservative societies—e.g., the Victorian era,
or the 1950s—value old ideas, and full-figured,
mature women. Large metropolitan cities such as New
York value very thin women; in contrast, small,
rural towns prefer full-figured, fertile adult
women.
American women chose thinner-than-average women
as the most beautiful. American men prefer
average-size women. Fashion models are thinner than
porn stars.[7]
Use cultural beauty standards to your advantage.
Unlike your ancestors, you can move to a different
city or even country. Select a culture where you're
beautiful.
Media Effects on Beauty
Standards
Our grandparents saw relatively few people. They
saw even fewer beautiful people. In contrast, today
we turn on a television and see nothing but
attractive people made up to look their best, with
the bad shots discarded. (Finally, a reason to
praise Fox's "reality" television shows!)
Since the 1930s—the beginning of mass media—men
have increased the importance of "good looks" in a
wife by 40%. Women have increased the importance of
a good-looking husband almost 80%. Women in 1996
valued "good looks" in husbands more than men in
1939 valued "good looks" in wives.[8]
Photos of beautiful women made men rate their
wives as less attractive, and feel less committed to
their marriages, compared to men who looked at
photos of "average" women.[9]
Learn the game, then bend the rules. Before
submitting a personal ad, have a "makeover" photo
studio make you look like a glamorous model. When
you marry, get rid of your television.
The media also affect men. Performers such as
Jerry Seinfeld raise expectations of men's
entertainment skills. As media images make women
feel inadequately attractive, media entertainers
make men feel inadequately entertaining. These men
give up and say that they can't dance, sing, or tell
jokes. The positive side is less competition for men
who try to entertain women. Older men have an
advantage here over younger men. Many young women
have never had a man make them laugh, lead them on
the dance floor, or play Chopin for an audience of
one.
Beautiful Young Women
Don't Have It Easy
For beautiful young women, the problem is sorting
the wheat from the chaff. Finding a quality mate is
no easier for them than for anyone else. They spend
as much effort rejecting the wrong men as others
spend finding men.
(Another problem is that a woman's power over men
vanishes when a younger, more beautiful woman walks
into the room.)
In the animal world, females initiate 80% of
matings (see Flirting). Males who initiate mating
are the males that no female will approach. Men who
approach women pick young, beautiful women. Q.E.D.,
beautiful young women meet more than their share of
losers.
Dating advice books tell men to ignore a woman to
attract her attention. It's not that women like to
be ignored. Rather, women know that if a man pays
too much attention to a woman, he's a loser. (The
converse isn't true—men's egos are attracted to
women who pay attention to them.)
If women are too attractive, men stay in their
cerebral cortexes. They'll date beautiful women to
feel envy from their male friends. They have no
reason to shift into their limbic brains and
emotionally connect. When men are jerks and women
are shallow, they're stuck in their cerebral
cortexes.
Putting effort into clothes and make-up will get
you more dates, but impair men's vision of your
inner beauty, and attract the "wrong" kind of men
(those who don't look deeper than the level of
physical appearance). The ideal is to look nice, but
don't overdo it. If you're getting many dates but
aren't meeting quality men, work on improving
yourself, not your wardrobe.
Encourage self-selection of potential mates. Tell
suitors that you can't go out on a date, but they're
welcome to join you volunteering, e.g., with Habitat
For Humanity. The few men who show up to work are
the ones worth dating.
Dress Against Your
Stereotype
Stereotypically, unattractive women dress badly.
They think that if they don't put effort into their
appearance, men will think they have interesting
minds. These women may read Dostoevsky but they look
boring and stupid.
Or unattractive women dress well, but wear styles
older than their age. E.g., you look like your
grandmother buys your clothes. That's bad when
you're 20, and really bad when you're 50.
Stereotypically, attractive women dress well.
They spend time and effort on their clothes, hair,
and make-up. These women may be shallow (e.g.,
reading nothing more challenging than
Cosmopolitan) but they look sophisticated and
intelligent.
And attractive women dress younger than their
ages. Attractive 50-year-old women think it's fun to
dress in teenagers' platform boots for Halloween.
If you were born with "unattractive genes", put
more effort into your appearance. Dress younger than
your age.
If you were born with "cover girl genes", leave
the four-inch stilettos in your closet. Wear
Converse sneakers and read The Brothers
Karamazov at the coffee shop.
Education and Employment
Education, employment, and relationships are
problematic for women. On the one hand, school and
work are the most common places where couples meet
(see Where Couples Met). Women who go to college and
choose a professional career are more likely to meet
men (especially if they choose traditionally male
fields, e.g., science). And men prefer to marry
women with good educations and good jobs.[10]
On the other hand, career women sometimes must
sacrifice relationships. E.g., a job may require
moving to a new city. Women who choose professional
careers postpone marriage until they're out of
college and have started their careers—by which time
they find that many of their male classmates and
co-workers are married.
Conversely, women whose primary goal is to be a
mother are least likely to meet men. Such women
forego higher education and professional careers.
E.g., a woman who loves children may seek employment
in childcare—where she works with other women.
Emotional Connection
Emotional connection makes women want sex.
Emotional connection makes men want long-term
relationships.
Emotional connection makes men and women switch
gender roles (see Becoming a Couple). Individuals
who use masculine sexuality (usually, but not
always, men) want to have sex with many partners.
Individuals who use feminine sexuality (usually, but
not always, women) want long-term committed
relationships. Emotional connection makes women
switch to masculine sexuality, and makes men switch
to feminine sexuality.
A man using masculine sexuality shows off his
social status, physique, and money to attract
women's attention. But that's all stereotyped gender
roles can do (attract attention). Once he has a
woman's attention, she'll look for relationship
skills, entertainment skills (e.g., a sense of
humor), and, above all, the emotional connection of
"chemistry."
A woman using feminine sexuality shows off her
youth and beauty to attract men's attention. But
that's all her stereotyped gender role can do. If
they don't emotionally connect, he'll date her only
as long as he thinks he might get to have sex.
Be Seen in Different
Venues
Make your suitor feel emotionally connected by
letting him see you in a variety of situations.
E.g., volunteer with a non-profit organization,
take a continuing education class, and participate
in a new sport. When a man approaches you in one
venue, invite him to do the other activities with
you. If you met him in a business computers night
class, suggest that he join you volunteering with
Habitat For Humanity on Saturday, or at a rock
climbing class on Sunday.
He'll see you using a variety of emotions. You
may be confident and professional in the business
computers class, caring and nurturing with the
non-profit organization, and scared—then
triumphant—climbing a cliff.
References
- Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology
(Allyn & Bacon, 1999,
ISBN 0-205-19358-7), 136-137.
- Brin, David. "Neoteny and Two-Way Sexual
Selection in Human Evolution."
- Rhodes, G. Hickford, C., Jeffrey, L.
Sex-typicality and attractiveness: Are supermale
and superfemale faces super-attractive?"
British Journal of Psychology, 91, 125-140
(2000); Cunningham, M.R. "Measuring the physical
in physical attractiveness: Quasi-experiments on
the sociobiology of female facial beauty,"
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
50, 925-35 (1986); Johnson, V.S., Franklin, M.
"Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder?"
Ethology and Sociobiology 14 (1993):
183-199.
- Brin, David. "Neoteny and Two-Way Sexual
Selection in Human Evolution."
- Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology
(Allyn & Bacon, 1999,
ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 140.
- Singh, D. "Adaptive significance of female
physical attractiveness: Role of waist-to-hip
ratio," Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology, 65, 293-307.
- Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology
(Allyn & Bacon, 1999,
ISBN 0-205-19358-7).
- Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology
(Allyn & Bacon, 1999,
ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 145.
- Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology
(Allyn & Bacon, 1999,
ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 154.
- Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual
Influences on Young Men's Transition to First
Marriage," Social Forces, 74 (1996): 1097-1119.
