Many
of us believe that if we are close to our man, we
should know everything he is thinking, the secrets
he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart.
Nothing could be further from the truth. It is
absolutely necessary for each person in a
relationship to have their own personal world, their
thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to
them and no one else.
Being close doesn't mean being "fused" into one
person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the
other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If
a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for
them to have their own thoughts and experiences
while in a relationship, they can easily feel that
their individuality and sense of self is slipping
away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only
brings two people closer, but enhances each person's
sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5
secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why
it is important to let them do so.
1) That he looks at and is attracted to other
women.
Don't pry into this. Some women keep asking their
man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A
man who doesn't look at anyone, or feel anything for
them is either very old, very tired or lying. There
is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire
other women, as long as he does it discretely, and
not make a show of it before others or before you -
as long as he doesn't use it to make you insecure or
competitive with the other women.
Looking at and responding to others doesn't mean
he doesn't find you desirable, or that he's
comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and
fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you
ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you
nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed
and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally,
without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and
leave well enough alone.
2) Details of his past relationships.
Some women become obsessed with finding out
everything about their man's past relationships.
They need to know if they measure up, if he's as
happy with them as he was with others, what went
wrong in the past relationships, or if he's really
over a past love. There's no need to probe this,
however. He was a different man in the past. Don't
hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn't want to
be reminded of them, and particularly doesn't want
you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he
now.
Let him feel good about how he is with you, not
be dragged past into memories of other people or of
what did or did not do. The best way for him to
forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and
safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean
he cannot love again now. When we let the past be
the past that is where it will stay.
3) Whether or not he's really happy in the
relationship?
Many women just can't wait to get around to the
"relationship" discussion. They want to know how
he's feeling about things in general, and at some
point or another, sit him down to get all the
details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the
line and restless. They don't know exactly what you
want them to tell you or what it's going to mean.
Some fear repercussions for what they say.
Communication that's healthy in a relationship is
on-going. It's good to set up a situation where both
of you can express your feelings as they arise -
have them heard and attended to.
Sitting down for an "intense" discussion is not
something most men are comfortable doing. It makes
them feel judged and criticized and if it happens
too often, can easily make them drift away.
4) If he enjoys being with his friends more than
being with you?
Many women become possessive of their man's
attention and resentful of time spent away from
them, particularly nights out with the guys or any
time spent with other friends, having a good time.
The women want to be included in everything as proof
of his love for them. When the guy has spent time
with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed
that time more than being with them. It is a bad
idea to question him about this, or make him feel
that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is
crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding
that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares
for you.
Some women interfere with her man's friendships
and even his relationship with his family, she feels
so threatened. But truly loving someone means
allowing them to be all of whom they are -
fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no
matter how much they love you they also need others
in their lives. When you have a truly healthy
relationship, you are secure in his feelings for
you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with
others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can
then give to you. Let the time he has with his
buddies belong to him. Don't question him about
details, don't make him feel guilty as though he is
taking something away from you.
